


Walking on Eggshells

by thatsmistertoyou



Series: Right Where We Are [4]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Domestic, Doubt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Fluff and Angst, Long-Term Relationship(s), M/M, Metafiction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-20
Updated: 2015-08-20
Packaged: 2018-04-16 08:49:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,762
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4619127
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thatsmistertoyou/pseuds/thatsmistertoyou
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dan and Phil feel the pressure and stress of being soon-to-be-published authors, and it puts a strain on their relationship when they consider our side.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Walking on Eggshells

**Author's Note:**

> This series was bound to have some real angst eventually. I would say I’m sorry but there’s a bigger purpose to it (which I suppose is up to you).
> 
> Thanks to philslesters and hearteyeshowell for their help <3

It's shaping up to be a long week, as Dan is sleeping alone for the third night in a row. It's book crunch time, and him and Phil have been trying to sort out their own portions of it during their most productive hours; Dan works best late at night, while Phil prefers mid afternoon. To avoid disturbing the other’s schedule, they agreed to put their own beds to good use. Phil doesn't wake Dan up when he rolls out of bed at their usual time, nor does Dan wake Phil up when he crawls into bed as the sun rises. Their usual tandem is broken for the moment, but it's for a good cause.

The first draft of their book is due tomorrow, and working separately and in their most productive states is necessary. As well as they work together, the stress and frustration has caused them to lash out at each other more than once, so Dan knows doing this preemptively - before any animosity mounts or they lose momentum by distracting each other - is a good idea.

But he misses Phil, as ridiculous as that is, since he's in the other room and nothing's wrong. They're just too busy for each other at the moment. And it sucks.

“How’s it going?” he asks, flopping onto Phil’s bed on his stomach and raising himself up on his elbows. Phil doesn’t look up, just keeps his brow furrowed in concentration and stares at his screen.

“Fine. Nearly done. Just giving everything a twice-over.”

“Perfectionist.”

“Takes one to know one.”

“I know,” Dan says, biting his lip. Phil finally glances at him, his expression softening.

“Everything going okay for you?”

“Yeah. Just kind of miss you, is all.”

“I know what you mean. Would love to spend some time with my boyfriend and my best friend, rather than my co-author and co-host.”

“Sounds like you’ve got a pretty busy schedule. Lots of people to manage,” Dan says, smiling weakly. That level of compartmentalization is typical for the both of them at this point, and Dan can’t decide if it’s good or bad. It kind of just is.

“Yeah. But the good news is that after tonight, I’ll be considerably more free.”

“How free?”

“Free as a bald eagle soaring through America.”

“Fantastic,” Dan replies. “Only that might not be true, because we need to go shopping tomorrow.”

Phil raises his eyebrows. “For what?”

“Groceries, mainly, because we both forgot to put in the Tesco order. And I wanted new clothes for convention season. And I want a damn air conditioner for my room, because I’ve just realised how hot it is in there when you’re trying to sleep.”

“Okay,” Phil agrees, glancing at the noisy contraption attached to his window guiltily. “Sorry for hogging it.”

“‘S okay. Without your body heat, the tiny fan suffices.”

“That thing is too cold without yours,” Phil replies.

“You’re aware it has lower settings, right?”

“Yeah. Was trying to be open with you.”

“As my boyfriend?”

“...Yeah?” Phil asks, setting his laptop aside.

“You might need to put that perspective away for a while,” Dan says, placing Phil’s laptop back onto his lap. “Right now, I need my co-author to finish the task at hand. And then I can pay my boyfriend and his stupidly cold bed some mind.”

“Right,” Phil says slowly, never breaking eye contact. “In that case, I need my co-author to stop giving me mixed signals and go start on finishing his part of the draft, as I know he hasn’t done it.”

“You might be right about that,” Dan concedes. “Good luck, yeah? We’ll reconvene tomorrow.”

“Yeah. Try not to scream in celebration when you finish, as then the whole ‘sleeping in separate beds’ thing was pointless.”

“You know that’s unlike me,” Dan says slyly, and they both laugh.

“True enough. Get back to work, before I’m forced to report my coworker for sexual harassment.”   

“Fine,” Dan says, but he gives Phil a quick peck on the forehead before climbing off the bed and retreating to his own room.

x

If it had been any other day, Dan might’ve pushed Phil against the back of their door the moment they got home and kissed him like he had been dying to for hours, but he’s too damn tired. Instead, he drops the shopping bags at his feet and lets his head fall back against the wall and whines an exaggerated groan.

“Happy to be home?” Phil says, making a move for the stairs, and Dan has to kick a bag out of the way so Phil doesn’t trip on it. He perches on the fourth step - just high up enough for him to stretch his legs when he sits - and leans his head against the wall too.

“Yeah,” Dan says, and he really is. While working mostly from home is great for his laziness and preferred lifestyle, his bedroom has felt more like an office than a sanctuary lately. “Let’s go up before I sink to the floor and not get up for two days.”

“That sounds nice,” Phil agrees, sagging against the wall further and making his glasses go askew on his face.  

Dan smiles weakly, and offers his hands to help Phil up when he opens his eyes. “We have nothing to do now, though. We made it through hell week.”

Between finishing up the book, preparing a radio show, filming videos, and having very little time to just be with Phil or by himself with nothing to worry about, Dan’s totally spent. It’s made him pretty terrified for how busy they’re going to be promoting the book and going on tour, while trying to keep up with all the things he’s missed out on this week. He wonders how some of his colleagues deal with being so impossibly busy - Phil included.

Phil looks up at Dan over his glasses and grabs Dan’s hands. “We did do it,” he affirms, hoisting himself up and making a series of hilarious Old Man Noises.

“You okay, Grandad?” Dan snorts, and Phil gently bops the side of his head in apparent disapproval.

“I’m not a grandad. I’m not even a dad.”

“You sure about that? Cos you asked me if we had rice three separate times at Tescos,” Dan reminds him, picking up the bags and joining Phil on the steps.

“We didn’t, though,” Phil retorts, exasperated. He starts climbing the stairs so Dan follows suit, too fatigued to keep the bottoms of the bags from dragging along the edge of every step.

“Okay, Dad, next time I’ll make a list,” he says, rolling his eyes, as his dad does the exact same thing.

“Please don’t call me Dad,” Phil groans, trudging up the stairs with more reluctance.

“Should I not call you ‘daddy’ in the bedroom?” Dan teases, a shit-eating grin spanning his face.

“The only thing you’ll be calling me in the bedroom is ‘sleeping’.”

“Hi Sleeping, I’m Dan.”

“No.”

Dan laughs and follows Phil into his bedroom to shove the bags into Phil’s closet until he can be bothered to remove the tags from and wash their new clothes.

Phil collapses face-first onto the bed, toeing his shoes off and pulling the pillows closer to his head. He raises one arm and makes strange flailing motions that Dan knows are meant to indicate that he should join him, and Dan smiles, relieved to finally be able to cuddle with Phil and sleep for as long as he wants.

“Gimme a sec,” he says, unzipping his new jacket - his favourite purchase of the day by far - and shrugging out of it as he ambles to the door to put it in his room.

He hears Phil grumble something incoherently on his way out. He throws his jacket onto the bed and grabs his phone charger before returning and asking Phil to repeat himself.

“I said you should wear that next time we go at it, cos I want to take it off of you,” Phil says, and Dan knows the look he’s giving is supposed to be sultry, but Phil’s taken his glasses off and Dan’s standing too far away to be properly visible, so he’s got his left eye half-closed.

“Only if you take everything else off too,” Dan says, unable to find the look anything but endearing. He slips off his shoes, plugs his phone in, and finally collapses onto the bed next to Phil, who immediately throws an arm over Dan’s waist and snuggles up to his chest.

“Not now,” Phil says, his voice thick with fatigue, and Dan nods and presses a kiss to the top of Phil’s hair.

“Definitely not now,” he says, letting his eyes droop closed.

Dan swears his eyes haven’t been closed for more than three seconds before Phil’s phone rings, loudly and to the tune of ‘Supremacy’ for maximum wake-up insurance.

Phil groans into Dan’s chest.

“Ignore it?” Dan offers hopefully, wishing that Phil just forgot to put it on silent and it’s some stranger with the wrong number asking if Sharon got her parakeet back or something.

“It’s on ‘Do Not Disturb’, so if it’s ringing, it’s important,” Phil mumbles, shoving his hand between their bodies to retrieve his phone from his pocket. “It’s either Aled, my family, or Editor Sara. Or you.”

“It’s me telling the world to fuck off because I am tired at a cellular level.”

Phil frees his hand, rolls out of Dan’s embrace, and sits up lazily on one elbow to answer it.

“Hi Sara. Good, how are you?”

Dan sighs. She probably wants to hash out book business on -

“Yeah. Yeah, we can Skype now.”

Dan covers his face in his hands and tries not to whine aloud. Sara had told them she might need to go over some things before she submits the draft to her boss, but Dan thought they were in the clear, as she hadn’t contacted them since they emailed it to her last night.

“Okay, see you in a bit.” Phil ends the call and collapses onto his back. “Want me to put the kettle on?”

“Yes.”

x

Dan’s never seen Phil down coffee so quickly, and when he tries to follow suit, burns the shit out of his tongue.

“Fuck,” he swears, sticking his tongue out and fanning it.

“Don’t try that at home; I’m a professional,” Phil says, but still throws Dan a concerned look. “You okay?”

“Fine. Just need IV caffeine to get through the next few hours. I legitimately feel like I could pass out at any moment.”

“I know, but I couldn’t tell her no. Draft’s due to Big Boss Jane first thing in the morning.”

“Why’d she wait so long to do this, then?”

“Beats me. Was too afraid to ask.”

“Yeah,” Dan agrees, slumping against the counter and blowing on his coffee.

“We should probably go call her now.”

Dan really wants to tell Phil that she can wait another minute while he finishes his coffee, or hugs the shit out of Phil because he’s still itching for some relaxing alone time, or sinks to the floor and falls asleep in front of the fridge. But there’s business to attend to.

“Yeah. Let’s go.”

x

They chat with Sara on the iMac for three hours, combing through the entire draft on Dan’s laptop and making changes as she suggests. Dan’s just thankful she doesn’t scrap entire sections that they’d have to rewrite as soon as possible.

“Thanks so much for doing this; I know it’s been a long week for everyone,” Sara says apologetically.

“That’s okay,” Phil replies. “I think we’re just looking forward to sleeping and not worrying about it for a day or so.”

“Yeah,” Dan agrees, covering a yawn with his hand.

“Well, in a few weeks, we’ll be able to celebrate it’s completion! Wait ‘til you see the place Jane picked out for dinner.”

“Can’t wait,” Dan replies, his voice falling flatter than he wants it to. Phil squeezes Dan’s knee out of view of the camera, so he adds a sweet but tired smile at the end. The caffeine has helped his brain function well enough to edit and discuss and rearrange book content, but his body is still exhausted.

Phil’s hand rests on Dan’s thigh, and Dan catches himself checking if it’s view or not, despite the fact that they’re sitting at a desk.

“Me neither,” Phil agrees.

They exchange more pleasantries for a minute before Sara finally ends the call, and when the webcam light goes off, Phil collapses onto Dan’s shoulder.

“Oh my god, that was so draining. At this rate I might not even read it when it’s done cos I’m so tired of seeing the same words over and over.”

“I know,” Dan says, even though neither of them mean it. He slings an arm around Phil’s shoulder and closes his eyes for a moment, trying to think of something he could do to relax his mind, as trying to sleep now would probably go very poorly. An idea occurs to him, and he squeezes Phil’s arm to get his attention.  Phil sits up, and Dan fixes his glasses automatically. “Want to take a bath?”

Phil bites his lip. “That didn’t work out so well last time,” he points out. He’s not wrong - attempts at fooling around resulted in most of the water splashing over the side of the tub and no space to move anyway.

“I know. Just to unwind,” Dan offers, but he knows that’s impractical too. Too much limb going on to fit them both comfortably.

“You go ahead,” Phil says, grabbing Dan’s laptop from the desk and plopping onto the bed. “I’ll wait for you.”

“You don’t have to.”

“I know, but my brain’s pretty awake from the coffee still.”

“Yeah, same, which is why I’m going for the bath,” Dan replies.

“Have fun,” Phil says, directing his attention to Dan’s laptop. He doesn’t even look up when Dan strips completely naked to put all of his dirty clothes in the hamper. Mildly offended, Dan grabs a fresh pair of boxers from a drawer and leaves the room.

“Nice butt,” Phil calls after him, and Dan smirks.

x

Dan frowns at his knees when he settles into the tub, as they’re the only part of him not submerged in nice hot water and - at Phil’s insistence when he knocked on the door a few minutes into the tub-filling process - bubbles.

He’s still somewhat disappointed that Phil didn’t want to join him, even if it would require way more than his knees being out of the water. They have different mechanisms for coping with stress: Dan likes to remove himself from pretty much everything, while Phil likes to have some mindless internet and/or music time. As much as Dan loves doing the latter, it does very little to clear his head, and if he’s busy or has anything else he could possibly be doing, he feels guilty for it. But he’s given himself permission to stay in the bath until the bubbles are gone, so he sinks a little lower in the water, closes his eyes, and goes to his happy place.

He used to picture his ‘happy place’ as something different every time, some imaginary place or situation he could escape to, whether it was a heavily modified version of a memory, a fictional universe, or something entirely of his own creation.

He can’t quite remember when his happy place stopped being made up and took on more familiar faces: falling asleep on Skype to Phil and seeing he was still there when Dan woke up, Christmas morning with his family and the dog slipping on stray bits of wrapping paper, playing outrageous board games at house parties, lying on the couch watching Phil try to program the chromecast for an hour, curling up in the same bed as Phil for the first time in months with heavy rain pounding against the window of their Manhattan hotel room. Quieter moments with more emotional significance replaced imagined dragon fights or friendships with his favourite characters, and he wonders if it’s because he’s happier or older, or has just gone soft.

That’d be terrible for his image.

x

When he returns to his room - having fallen asleep in the bath for over an hour - Phil’s still awake, hunched over Dan’s laptop and frowning intensely.

“How’s it going?” Dan asks, ruffling his hair with a towel.

Phil just shakes his head the slightest bit, and when the silence has gone on a beat too long, looks up at Dan with wide, sad eyes.

“What’s wrong?” Dan asks, alarmed. A million horrible thoughts circle in his mind, all too ridiculous and scary to contemplate aloud.

“Found the TABINOF tag on tumblr and fell into a wormhole of people’s opinions from right after we released the trailer.”

“Oh no,” Dan says, sinking onto the bed and glancing at the screen. Phil’s signed in to all of his ‘Dannah Montana’ accounts, as Phil had coined them. Dan can’t remember if that window was open when he left his computer last, but it hardly mattered if they were still logged in anyway. “What did they say?”

Phil swallows. “Most of them are lovely, or optimistic, or at the very least, like, skeptical of the negativity. But there’s this one that I just,” he sighs. “You know I try not to let negativity affect me, but it - it is.”

Dan nods, quickly throws the towel over the back of a chair, and pulls on a shirt. He sits cross-legged next to Phil and waits for him to continue.

He can’t possibly imagine what someone might’ve said to get Phil visibly worked up - after nearly a decade as a public figure on the internet, there isn’t anything that someone hasn’t said to him. Phil doesn’t even get upset at people who say awful shit but might possibly mean well. It takes so much to upset him that Dan’s stomach twists into a knot and he braces for the absolute worst.

“So this person - well, it’s not just one person, there are some people who agree - doesn’t really like the book idea. They think that - that we’ve been putting on a sort of act leading up to the announcement. For the past year, we’ve been playing up our friendship to put that image out there so we can sell books.”

All Dan can think is that that person is deadass wrong, and surely Phil knows that, but he doesn’t say anything - just nods to let him know he’s listening.

“There are some people who think we’re sellouts or just doing the new thing that YouTubers do, you know, write books and do sponsored content and stuff. But this idea - that we’re purposely manipulating people just to sell them this branded version of ourselves and make money - I just. I hate it. I hate that anyone would think that.”

“Phil, love, you know that’s not true,” Dan places a tentative hand on Phil’s thigh. “We had this discussion a dozen times before we even researched publishing companies.”

“I know. But what if they’re right? They,” he gestures to the computer screen and his gaze fixes there, “only see so much of us and our intentions. What if we have branded our friendship into a product to be bought and sold?”

“You can’t even entertain that idea,” Dan replies firmly, sitting up a little straighter. “That’s not what we’re doing and anyone who thinks so just doesn’t know us.”

“Think about it,” Phil says, his voice shaky and thin. He turns to Dan and makes eye contact again. “We make sure to play up the ‘best friends’ thing in everything we do. We don’t deny the fact that we’re in a relationship anymore. But we purposely try to make people think of us as friends. How is that not manipulation?”

Dan’s chest tightens, and he severely regrets falling asleep in the bath. Phil’s clearly been agonizing over this for a while - long enough to consider the ridiculous possibility that it’s true. If Dan’s honest, he’s hurt that anyone, but especially Phil, would accuse them of something so dishonest.

“It’s not, okay? We’re protecting ourselves and our privacy. We have every right to police how much of ourselves we put online and how we want people to see us. We have an image; it’s not disingenuous and it’s part of our job. ‘Dan and Phil’ is a brand to an extent, but we’ve never denied that and I think people are smart enough to know that that’s not a bad thing and that we’re not always trying to promote it as a product.”

“Clearly not everyone gets that impression,” he replies, resting his elbows on his knees and rubbing his eyes under his glasses. “I just can’t help but feel like if people think that, maybe we’ve failed. We tried to balance our friendship and our relationship and our branding but we can’t,” Phil continues, his voice muffled.

“How’ve we failed?” Dan asks, but he knows the answer as soon as he’s done asking.

“This week, for example,” Phil says, sitting up but not looking at Dan. “We’ve been distant from each other. We’re exhausted and on edge and I miss you so much and you’re sitting right next to me.” Phil turns to face Dan, his eyes glassy, and Dan shakes his head and pulls Phil closer to him.

Fuck, Dan thinks, because there are few things in this world that hurt him more than seeing Phil cry. Dan would offer to personally fight the person responsible, but he knows this is a bigger issue that stretches beyond some tumblr post, and digs deeper than someone questioning their character. This is about them.

“I’m right here, okay? This week was shit, I’ll give you that. It was a bad week for us as a couple and as friends cos we had no time for each other. But this week isn’t every week.” He is worried that once their book is released, they might fall into this pattern of being busy and tired, but that idea isn’t welcome for reassurance purposes.

“I know,” Phil says, not responding to Dan’s touch at all. “But we are gonna be busy again in the future and it’s going to affect us. I don’t want that and I don’t want people thinking we’re lying or manipulating them. Makes me feel sick.”

“We’re not trying to lie or manipulate people, okay? And I really don’t think we are. It’s a tricky line to walk but I think we’ve done an alright job with it.”

“I guess. And we’ve been playing with the idea of being more honest but - what does that mean? Hinting at our relationship more? According to that person, that’s just another tactic to sell books and make people watch our videos.”

Dan’s stomach sinks to the floor, and he can’t believe how thoroughly this person’s opinion got to Phil. He never puts that much stock in any online opinion, much less a negative one that makes pretty bold claims about them. Dan had hoped that they were getting more used to the idea of their relationship being public, that maybe one day they could be comfortable with how much they share. But right now, that doesn’t seem likely.

“Yeah, I guess that’s what it means. But it wouldn’t be in the name of capitalism or views or whatever. It’d be in the name of honesty. To maybe make some of our viewers happy cos the idea makes them happy. To not have to be so careful in public or on video or anywhere. To maybe just be for once, without people sticking their noses in and picking our actions apart to find some kind of manipulative motive.” Dan retracts his arms and sighs, trying to keep his composure because he knows this isn’t Phil’s fault and Phil’s not the one he should be mad at. Maybe he shouldn’t be mad at all. He doesn’t know.

“I’m sorry, Dan,” Phil says, holding eye contact. “I didn’t mean to upset you, I’m just - I’m afraid. What if we do come out and this is all people see? That we lied for years and suddenly decided to come out - why? For money or attention? I couldn’t handle people saying that about us.”

“It’d be utter shit but we’ve handled all kinds of naysaying in the past,” Dan points out.

“I know we have, but the naysayers matter too. We wrote this book to tell our story for everyone, not just the people who have nothing but positivity and love for us. They matter too.”

Dan sighs, and for once, he wishes Phil didn’t care so thoroughly about everyone. He’s right and Dan knows it, but that just doesn’t sit right with him in practice.

“You make a good point, but at some point we do have to ignore the negativity. We can’t just value everyone’s opinions equally. That’s just not how it would go. And last time we were on different pages with that, it drove a huge wedge between us.”

If Dan has one regret in life, it’s letting other people dictate his relationship with Phil. He cared way too much about what others thought and tried to set the record straight by lying, and all it did was hurt both of them. Phil didn’t really care about what Dan said to make himself feel better and hide what he thought should be hidden, but it seeped into their lives off-camera, gradually but persistently, to the point where Phil would have been totally justified in leaving him. But he didn’t, and they came out stronger for it. To Dan, it’s proof that they could work through anything -  but fuck if he’s going to come anywhere near to testing that theory.

“Yeah,” Phil sighs, rubbing his temples and squeezing his eyes shut. “I’m - I’m feeling kind of overwhelmed right now. I think maybe we both need to take a minute and collect our thoughts about this?”

“Yeah, yeah, that’s fine.” Dan makes a move to get up when he realises they’re in his room, not that it really matters.

“Okay,” Phil says, wiping his eyes and standing up. “See you in five?”

“Yeah,” Dan replies, his voice coming out smaller than he intended.

Phil tries to give a reassuring smile before he leaves, but Dan knows he’s upset. Taking a timeout and collecting their thoughts is a good idea that’s saved them from many an altercation where they might have said things they didn’t mean. But he just wishes he could do something, as apparently nothing he’s said has gotten through to Phil or made him feel any better.

Unable to sit still, Dan gets up and paces around his room. He knows he’s probably going to wind up muttering to himself aloud without realising, but that’s what this time is for.

Dan hadn’t previously considered a lot of what Phil had said, and what a complex decision coming out really is hits him hard. Sure, other people’s opinions had always been a contributing factor to their choice to keep their relationship under wraps. If Dan’s honest, it’s probably second only to privacy. But the idea that people could legitimately accuse them of being liars or manipulators just for being who they really are - two people who love each other and just want to share that - is nothing short of devastating. And to know that some people think that just because of the way they’ve presented themselves and the fact that they’re writing a book together makes Dan’s heart heavy. He cares about what people think, and he wishes he didn’t.

It would be so easy for them to just say ‘fuck it’ and do whatever they want, potential disappointments and lost loyalties be damned. But that’s not how they are, and when it comes down to people questioning their character based on their career decisions, Dan knows they’re not immune to it, no matter how strong their conviction is. And the sooner they accept and try to reconcile that, the better.

Phil reenters the room somewhat timidly, his eyes red and his expression sheepish. Dan sits down and pats the space beside him a few times, before something occurs to him and his hand freezes.

“Let’s go in the lounge,” he suggests. “Bedrooms are bad places for emotionally charged discussions.”

“Good idea,” Phil says, and he leads the way.

They settle facing each other on the couch, and Dan sighs.

“I’m sorry if I upset you; I really do see your side now,” Dan says.

“I’m sorry too. We probably should have taken a timeout sooner. I was way too mixed up to explain myself properly.”

They smile at each other, and Dan knows they’ve cleared the slate.

“Right, so, I’m just gonna throw my hands up and say it: I care about what people think. Maybe it would be better if we didn’t, but we’re not made of stone and it’s just not possible. Everyone’s opinion counts, even if we don’t like it.”

“I agree. I think that if we acknowledge that, we’re already a step ahead, cos pretending we don’t care just doesn’t work for anyone. It’s gonna catch up to us eventually.”

“Yeah.” Dan rests his arm on the back of the sofa and tries to think if he has anything else to say, when Phil speaks up, his hand coming to rest on top of Dan’s.

“I guess I just got so upset about it because we’ve been together for what - almost six years now? And I’ve been in love with you for six years and I’ve kept it quiet. Barely said a word about it publicly or acknowledge the possibility of ‘phan’ being real or whatever. And if the moment I speak up, people accuse me of lying? Or for having malicious intentions? I just don’t want to risk that.”

“Shit,” Dan mutters, laughing a little under his breath and welling up. “You can’t do that shit, Phil. I thought we regained composure.”

“Sorry,” he says, grinning, and Dan knows he’s not.

“I love you too, you fucking sap. I’m so gone for you that we’ve had an issue keeping it a secret for six years.”

Phil sniffles, and Dan knows he’s holding back tears too.

“See? This is just -” Phil begins, but he pauses. He looks up at the ceiling and exhales before apparently reboarding his train of thought. “People will have their opinions and sometimes I don’t want to come out ever cos what we have - it’s too special to me. I don’t want anyone else to touch it or throw rocks at it. I mean,” Phil uses his other hand away to wipe his eyes. “If I reacted this badly to someone accusing us of branding our friendship, imagine what I’d think of someone thinking we only came out to make a ‘Phan’ brand. I wouldn’t be able to keep quiet and just let people think what they want anymore.”

“And that’s a bad thing?” Dan teases, as he’d pay actual money to see Phil drag people. But he digresses. “I know, I really do. But that seems pretty far off right now, yeah?” Phil nods. “Right, so what can we do now to feel better about the whole situation? As in, like, opinions and branding and coming out.”

“Well, I would advise against seeking out those opinions. I think we should stay away from the Dannah Montana accounts for a while.”

“Agreed,” Dan sighs.

“And in the meantime, maybe try not to compartmentalize so much? That’s gonna catch up to us, especially if we’re concerned with people thinking we’re just turning the tables for attention.”

“So… basically continue what we were doing? Testing the waters, but instead, not gauging them?”

“That doesn’t seem to make sense, does it?” Phil laughs, and Dan shakes his head.

“Not really.”

Phil groans and slumps onto Dan’s lap. “I have a headache and I’m tired. Maybe now isn’t the best time to make major decisions.”

Dan threads his fingers through Phil’s hair and smiles. “Why don’t we sleep on it? Since it’s like,” he glances at the clock, “three o’clock in the morning.”

“Yes. But I want pain meds first.”

x

Dan’s not satisfied until they’re both ready for bed, lights out and putting Dan’s new air conditioner to good use by making it cold enough to be under the covers.

“Maybe we should go somewhere,” Phil suggests, his voice barely above a whisper. “To get away from everything and clear our heads, you know? So we can think about this properly.” Dan can’t see him, as he likes his room completely pitch black, but he adjusts to face him.

“Like where?”

“I dunno. We could go to America. Visit Anthony and Cat, maybe film some collabs. Go to Disneyland.”

“You’re describing what we’re going to do at VidCon.”

“Oh. True.” He’s quiet for a minute before he continues. “Um, I dunno how you’d feel about this, but my friend Vera from uni finally got a Facebook and added me a few months ago. She lives in Italy and works as a travel agent. I was mostly joking with her about it, but she’s legitimately offered to be our personal tour guide and book everything for us. If you wanted to go to Italy, that is.”

Dan’s been a few times, and it’s a beautiful country, if a bit of a random destination for them to go to. But it’s relatively close and completely different from where they are and the places they might visit soon.

“That could be fun,” he decides. “But now’s not the time for decisions.”

“Yeah,” Phil says with a yawn.

“C’mere.” Dan pulls at Phil’s hip so he’s lying half on top of him, legs slotted together and his head tucked under Dan’s chin. Dan continues to run his fingers through Phil’s hair.

“We’ll be okay no matter what, yeah?” Phil murmurs, and Dan gives an approving hum.

“Yeah. Nobody I’d rather face overly complicated decisions with.”

“Love you.”

“Love you back.”

Dan thinks that this won’t make it onto his list of ‘happy place’ memories, but that’s alright. After one of the longest days of his life, he thinks that maybe he’s content to just be where he belongs: confused about a number of complex issues, scared but excited for the future, and with Phil. And finally about to go the fuck to sleep.


End file.
